Walmart adventures
by Vampire Meep
Summary: Cheese spray cans, vampire hamsters,SUPERGLUE and maxi pads what has vergil gotten himself into?
1. Chapter 1

Rated: T for no apparent reason

Rated: T for no apparent reason

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry.

Wal-Mart Adventures

Vergil sat in the corner of Devil May Cry eating a pack of chocolate pudding. Looking dismally at the bottom, he tossed the empty cup aside to raid the fridge.

"Nothing…Nothing… Cheese in a can?" This invention was new to Vergil, so he grabbed it and stared at it for a long second. Flipping off the cap, he tipped his head back and sprayed the cheese in his mouth. '_Hmm… not bad.'_ He thought, but the cheese would hardly be any good sustenance. He needs to go to Wal-Mart!

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Vergil walked down the meat isle with his half-demon girlfriend, Jasmyn. She happened to be a recent escapee from the nearby mental institution, but he payed her insanity little heed. Also, did I mention she has ADHD?

"La la la la la, pretty ponies!" She screamed as she skipped down the hygiene isle. Vergil stopped for a moment to pick up a few jars of his favorite hair gel, knowing that would be enough to last him the rest of the day. He would be back soon tomorrow anyways.

Out of nowhere, a random guy with an airsoft gun leaped in front of Vergil's cart, Jasmyn long gone looking at the fishies.

"Bam! Bam! Bam! Target acquired!" He yelled at Vergil, pointing the gun at his forehead. Vergil casually looked into his thoughts and saw that this buffoon was a vampire. _'Well, shit."_ He thought. Vamps were not easy to kill.

"Fear the all-powerful Mick!" the insane idiot screamed. He shot one arrow at Vergil's head, it sticking with a squish of the super-glued tip.

"What the hell?" Vergil muttered, attempting to pull the foam arrow from his head. No such luck, he went off in search of Jasmyn. The insane idiot, or "Mick" as he had called himself, was following Vergil not far behind.

"Uh, Jasmyn… What are you doing?" Vergil asked, arriving to a rather questionable scene of his girlfriend making out with a giant bag of dog treats. She looked up, startled, and pointed at the arrow sticking off Vergil's face. She began to laugh hysterically before ripping it off. Vergil's demon blood healed the wound quickly, but it still hurt like hell.

Vergil saw another woman, who (by invading her mind) was also a vampire, walk up and tackle Mick, landing a few punches before rolling into a display of condoms. Jasmyn snickered and once again burst into giggles. Vergil chuckled for no apparent reason.

This was sure going to be an interesting trip.

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Vergil, having ditched the two vamps and his psycho girlfriend, walked down the feminine needs isle. _'Hmm… Why is there a feminine needs isle and not a masculine needs isle?' _He pondered, grabbing a product at random.

"Maxi Pad." He read the label, a puzzled expression overcoming his face. What was this "Maxi Pad" used for, and why had he never heard of it? Approaching a child at random, who appeared to be 7, he shoved it into his hands.

"Do you know what these are for?" Vergil demanded, adding emphasis by pointing to the plastic bag. The 7 year old shook his head, but motioned for Vergil to follow him. They soon walked up to the child's mother, the youngster giving it to her.

"Mommy, wut's dat?" The little boy pointed at Vergil. "He wants to know." Vergil eyed the woman with suspicion as she stared in disbelief.

"You-" she pointed at Vergil. "Don't know what this is?" Vergil nodded shamefully.

"Well…" The woman didn't quite know how to put it, so she just threw the 'Maxi Pads" at Vergil and ran.

Vergil scowled, but proceeded to the pet section again to find Jasmyn.

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The other vampire was there, biting hamsters at random.

"Rise and serve your mighty queen, Roxy!" She chanted, the hamsters becoming undead. Vergil didn't mind the vampire hamsters as much as the fact that this vamp, Roxy or whatever, was planning on setting her army of undead hamsters loose upon him! "Find Vergil Sparda and scratch him to pieces!"

"HIIIII VERGIL!" Jasmyn screamed in his ear, holding up more cans of spray cheese. Vergil yelled in surprise and fell backwards, hoping that Roxy's attention was not on him. "I found the magical cheese dispensers!"

Vergil put a finger to his lips and pointed at Roxy, still obliviously creating vampire hamsters.

"Ohhh you don't want Roxy to hear! Mick's her boyfriend, I think, and she hates you for no apparent reason." Joanna whisper-yelled, helping Vergil to his feet. Somehow, Roxy heard Jasmyn's whispering and whipped her head around.

"Minions, attack!" She commanded, the hamsters rushing ahead to attack Vergil. Jasmyn stood in front of him, waving her hands around strangely to call upon her power of telekinesis. She may need to go back to the white room with the mattresses on the walls, but she was a hell of a fighter.

The hamsters fell to the tile floor, dead.

"Nooooooooo!" Roxy sobbed hysterically at her soldiers' demise, Mick appearing behind her.

"Oh right! Jasmyn, what's a Maxi Pad?" Vergil asked turning towards his girlfriend. Jasmyn bit her lower lip before leaning in and whispering something into his ear. Vergil's eyes widened and he let out a long "EWW!"

**This story was written by vampire meep and Hay Lin Rox , Hay lin rox says this chapter is dedicated to cheese and Vergil's hair gel, We were high on stupidness while writing this at 1 A.M , jasmyn is hay lin rox while Roxy is vampire meep see that blue button that says review? Press it fot 2 reasons 1 because pushing buttons is fun, and 2 to review of course don't worry if you like this story there will be more chapters! STAPLERS!!MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HAMSTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! I HAV AN ARMY BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and army of cheese spray cans!**


	2. Superglue

Rating: Still T for no reason

Rating: Still T for no reason.

Chapter Two is dedicated to superglue and all of its many uses.

Wal-Mart Adventures

**Day Two**

"And, BAM! It was down with one shot from Ebony!" Dante mimicked shooting a demon down with his right hand as Vergil continued to sip his iced tea. Vergil turned the page in his newspaper, wondering why Dante was bothering to tell him this story.

"Mhm." Vergil muttered lightly, eyes on a picture of a young teen in a bikini running down a shoreline. Sure, Jasmyn was a slamming hottie, but why did she have to be so…mentally unstable?

"And then I… Hey, Verge, are you even listening?" Dante asked, stopping mid-sentence.

"Mhm." He repeated, flipping the page again without looking up at his twin. Vergil finally shot his head up when Lady entered the room and poked him in the back. "What?"

"We need you to go out for toilet paper and clothes detergent. Also, I need your help. Jasmyn super-glued her head to the floor out of pure and stupid curiosity." She said.

"Can I go to Wal-Mart with Verge and psycho-girl? Please? Please? Please?" Dante began to jump up and down in excitement. Lady rolled her eyes, walking away. Dante turned to his older brother. "Please?"

"Stop calling her psycho-girl, and you can." Vergil replied calmly, following Lady to help his girlfriend remove her head from the floor.

Looks like another long trip to Wal-Mart…. Great.

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Vergil was mainly ignoring Dante, which proved to be a very difficult task. Jasmyn had disappeared to…somewhere. Vergil wasn't quite sure where. Dante was running around, poking different children in the isle with his demonic speed.

_Pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke_

"Hey!" The random girl yelled, glaring at Dante. Dante bolted down to the other side of the isle to begin his ritual again.

_Pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke_

"Stop poking me!" The 10 year-old boy slapped Dante's hand away. Again, Dante ran.

Vergil sighed and continued to push his cart along. This would take a long time.

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'_Ah! Finally, the glue isle.' _Vergil thought, looking at the various products. If only Jasmyn hadn't had a sudden urge to see what large amounts of super glue tasted like on the floor. He walked to the end of the isle where the super glue was and heard a rustling nearby. Maneuvering his head around the corner, he saw a group of about ten of the unfortunate children Dante had assaulted with his poke attacks.

"Do you have the projectile?" One of the older girls, almost 13, asked. A sandy-haired boy held up a box, but Vergil couldn't make out the label. "Good. Now to find that annoying dude in the red coat with the white hair."

'_What are they planning?'_ Vergil pondered, but found he couldn't care for long because it involved revenge on Dante, his favorite pastime. Grabbing a large tube of glue, he returned to his cart in the main isle.

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Vergil was in the process of walking to the isle with pudding when he heard a scream erupt not far away. Tilting his head back, his eyes widened when he saw Jasmyn…running quickly… with a white bra clung to the top of her head. He jumped out of the way when she zipped by, wailing at full volume. When his brain went out of shock and he registered what just happened, he left Dante to watch the cart as he ran after her.

"Jasmyn, what the hell are you doing?" Vergil demanded when he had her cornered in the fruit section. She looked at him stupidly before removing the article of clothing from her head.

"The banana king told me to!" She insisted, pointing at a pile of bananas. Vergil looked at her strangely, wondering if Jasmyn had created her own new type insanity. She quieted down and let Vergil walk her back to the cart.

Dante was still there, looking pissed as hell. Vergil's eyes soon caught something stuck to Dante's back. Or, rather, many things stuck to Dante's jacket.

"Er, Dante? Why do you have… tampons stuck to your back?" Vergil asked, shifting his feet awkwardly.

"Damn kids got me while I wasn't looking!" He muttered. Now it all made sense! The kids his stupid brother had annoyed threw tampons covered in super glue at Dante's back while Vergil had been returning Jasmyn to half-sanity, the largest amount she could ever muster. Dante walked away, mumbling something about swearing upon Sparda for his revenge.

Jasmyn also went away, but Vergil didn't bother to follow. In about half and hour, he would know where she was based on the screams.

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Vergil could see Dante all the way down the main isle, looking at shoes when this woman knocked into him. Vergil moved closer to see what was happening. The woman, who looked somewhat familiar, apologized quickly before attempting to hide behind Dante.

"Uh, why are there tampons on your back?" She asked, and as Vergil got closer, he recognized her as Roxy from the day before.

"Long story, lady. Why are you hiding behind me?" Dante asked turning around. Her terrified eyes pointed to a rather hungry-looking Mick. Even though Dante was quite mentally challenged at times, he soon figured out that Roxy was hiding from this Mick person. He looked back and forth between them before pushing Roxy in front of the hungry vampire, running for his life.

"Dante!" Vergil yelled, catching him by his collar. "Why aren't you helping her?"

"She's-" Dante's pants quickly turned to scared gibberish and Vergil released him, aggregated. Mick was gaining speed and closing in on Roxy. Vergil ran up and tackled Mick, Roxy staring wide-eyed. Roxy ran to the pet section, but all the hamsters were locked up based on what happened the day before.

Vergil managed to lay a few punches to Mick's face before jumping off and disappearing in the cereal isle. There, he met Jasmyn and Dante sifting through random boxes, dumping the contents all over the floor.

"Er, what are you two doing?" Vergil asked.

"We're trying to find the prizes! I want the glow-in-the-dark panda." Jasmyn plunged her fist into another box of Cheerio's, Dante eating some stray Fruit Loops on the floor.

"Come on!" Vergil pulled up Jasmyn by her free arm, leaving Dante amid the piles of Trix and Sugar O's.

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"Are you Vergil Sparda?" a rather burly man holding Dante by his collar asked.

"What did you do?" Vergil said harsly to his twin, ignoring the wounded-puppy expression on his face.

"He was eating cereal from the box." The manager, or "guy-holding-me" to Dante's brain, replied for him. "Your brother here is banned from this store. Make him leave the premises immediately."

"Fine." Vergil sighed, taking Dante by the ear and Jasmyn by the hand, pulling them out of the store. This would be something interesting to tell Lady.

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A/N

This chapter was finished at 5:06 PM we were not hyper, sooooo. Well ummmmm Dante did not survive better then Vergil….. Roxy is not that mentally challenged she hit her head really hard before the last chapter started that's why she was crazy, Micks not her boyfriend he is a crazy psycho and NO HE IS NO THE MICK FROM MOONLIGHT!! I just really like the name mick , btw hay lin rox "wrote" this I come up with the ideas and she puts them on paper except for the Vergil tackling Mick ,a nd the part in this chapter where roxy ran back to the hamsters and the part when dante got kicked out, he rest was my idea but hay lin rox wrote it


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